As always, this analytical paragraph should observe the same conventions and structures of the analytical paragraphs in your modified essays, including a topic sentence, direct textual evidence, contestable claims, and explanations linking evidence to ideas.
Friday, May 19, 2017
It's So Passive: Due Monday 5/22
Rewrite your original Paw Print passage so that it is entirely in the passive voice. Then, write an analytical paragraph in which you explore how this change affects the style of the passage and the meanings that it conveys to its readers. How is it different from the original passage? How does it change the author's voice? How does it change the ideas she is conveying?
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Original:
ReplyDelete“Dr. Pinsky has a long history with Poly. According to school psychologist and human development coordinator Dr. John Bakaly, Pinsky has frequently visited the school in the past, and led many similar assemblies about alcohol and drugs over the course of his time as a poly alumnus and, for a time, parent. Bakaly said that this was due, in part, to his vast experience with addiction and rehab, but more specifically his past success connecting with students and getting adolescents to take his message to heart.”
Redraft:
Poly has a long history associated with Dr. Pinsky. The school has frequently been visited by Dr. Pinsky in the past, and many similar assemblies about alcohol and drugs have been led by him, said Dr. John Bakaly who is the school psychologist and human development coordinator. This was due, Bakaly said, in part, to the vast rehab and addiction experience gathered by him, but more specifically students being connected with him and the hearts of adolescents being open to his message.
By converting all the sentences in, “Drugs, Alcohol, and Social Media Assembly: a Controversial Presentation” to the passive voice, the focus of the article shifted from Pinsky to the students. In the first passage, Jack and Charles write, “His past success connecting with students and getting adolescents to take his message to heart” (Wallis and Horn). By writing “getting adolescents to take his message to heart” the authors suggest that the connection felt between the students and Pinsky was because of Pinsky’s capability. However, the same sentence formed in the passive voice, “The hearts of adolescents being open to his message” (Wallis and Horn), has a completely different meaning. By writing “adolescents being open”, this excerpt suggests that the students created the connection between themselves and Pinsky. The actors in a sentence are changed when the sentence is converted form the active voice to the passive voice. Instead of Pinsky getting the praise for the connection between him and the students, the students did.
Original Passage:
ReplyDelete"In the assembly featuring the finalists, freshman Oge Ogbogu shared her work for Camp Crescent Moon, a nonprofit for children diagnosed with sickle-cell anemia, while junior Isabel Ball presented her Girl Scout Gold Award project with the Children's Court, a safe haven for foster children. Junior Entrepreneurs Club members Jack Wetzel, Nick Wuthrich and Ty Evans shared their work with Rising Tide Capital, a nonprofit that supports struggling individuals and communities through entrepreneurship, and sophomore Aisling Murran introduced her work with the Honeybee Conservancy, a nonprofit that advocates for bees and their natural environment. Seniors Kelcey Logan, Andy Rickert, Matilda Berke, and sophomores Rachel Tokofsky and Katie Galloway also presented their work as Peer Advocates for Planned Parenthood, a nonprofit organization that provides reproductive health care globally."
Rewritten Passage:
“In the assembly featuring the finalists, work for Camp Crescent Moon, a nonprofit for children diagnosed with sickle-cell anemia, was shared by Oge Ogbogu, while a Girl Scout Award project with the Children’s Court, a safe haven for foster children was presented by junior Isabel Ball. Work with Rising Tide Capital, a nonprofit that supports struggling individuals and communities through entrepreneurship, was shared by Junior Entrepreneurs Club members Jack Wetzel, Nick Wuthrich and Ty Evans, and work with the Honeybee Conservancy, a nonprofit that advocates for bees and their natural environment, was introduced by sophomore Aisling Murran. Work as Peer Advocates for Planned Parenthood, a nonprofit organization that provides reproductive health care globally, was presented by Seniors Kelcey Logan, Andy Rickert, Matilda Berke, and sophomores Rachel Tokofsky and Katie Galloway.”
Using the passive voices changes the way a passage feels by making it less clear who is performing the action and also making it seem as if the author doesn’t have a strong opinion about the subject matter. Early in the rewritten passage, there are multiple instances of a long description of an organization coming a while before the subject of a sentence, which makes it harder to read: “...work for Camp Crescent Moon, a nonprofit for children diagnosed with sickle-cell anemia, was shared by Oge Ogbogu,” (Mayo, It’s So Passive). Here, Camp Crescent Moon and its description are first in the sentence, while Oge, the one doing the sharing of this organization, can be found at the end, but only after reading the entire sentence. This example and others like it show how using the passive voice can disrupt the flow of a passage by making a reader have to go back to see what actually was done after finding the subject. Later in the rewritten passage, when the passage uses the passive voice, it seems as if the author doesn’t care about the subject matter due to a use of the passive voice: “...work with the Honeybee Conservancy, a nonprofit that advocates for bees and their natural environment, was introduced by sophomore Aisling Murran,” (It’s So Passive). It feels like the author is showing that the subject simply happened, nothing more, nothing less. With no opinions involved at all, a passage can feel very bland or dry. From these examples, it is clear the passive voice should not be overused by people who do not want their writing to be seen as unclear and not opinionated.
Original passage:
ReplyDelete"Intrigued by her complaints, I soon began to uncover and weed out the split ends in my own long, brunette hair in the back row of the choir loft. I began to pull them out feverishly without realizing the further damage that I was causing to my thick and already frizzy hair. I did not begin to pull out my hair until the fall of junior year, when my harmless split end-picking habit morphed into trichotillomania due to overwhelming stress and anxiety. The same condition that had haunted my fourth grade friend had stealthily crept into my own life, maturing into a serious condition that I myself could not control."
Rewritten passage:
Her complaints intrigued me, and the split ends in my long, brunette hair soon began to get uncovered and weeded out by me in the back row of the choir loft. They began to get pulled out feverishly by me causing further damage to the thick and frizzy hair that I had. My hair did not begin to get pulled out until the fall of junior year, when due to overwhelming stress and anxiety my split end-picking habit morphed into trichotillomania. The same condition that had haunted my fourth grade friend had stealthily matured into a serious issue that could not be controlled in my own life.
Due to a change from active voice to passive voice in the article, “I Want to Pull My Hair Out: Combatting my Trichotillomania,” the subject of the excerpt became shifted to the author’s hair as an object rather than focusing in on her story with the condition. When talking about her struggles with her newly forming disorder, the author originally wrote, “Intrigued by her complaints, I soon began to uncover and weed out the split ends in my own long, brunette hair in the back row of the choir loft.” This sentence highlights how the author’s condition initiated and distinctly demonstrates how she, as the subject, began to pull out her hair. However, when the sentence is changed into the passive voice, this is no longer the case. The rewritten version reads, “Her complaints intrigued me, and the split ends in my long, brunette hair soon began to get uncovered and weeded out by me in the back row of the choir loft.” This wording and restructuring of the passage changes the author’s voice, making it seem like she is showcasing her hair instead of her actions. Additionally, when the “split ends” become the subject of the sentence, it provides the illusion that they are a victim to the author, “being weeded out,” instead of the author being a victim to her condition. Overall, when the active voice in the paragraph was changed to passive, the author lost control of what she was trying to say and her original meaning was no longer conveyed.
Original:
ReplyDeleteOn Friday, March 17th, Poly invited Dr. Drew Pinsky and Dr. Lisa Strohman to speak to Upper School students about the dangers of substance and process addiction that threaten today’s adolescents.
While the topics are reasonable and appropriate to present to such an audience, the choice to welcome back Dr. Pinsky is puzzling.
“Dr. Drew,” as he is most broadly known, is board-certified in Chemical Dependency and a nationally syndicated radio talk show host who has produced and starred in such series as Celebrity Rehab, Lifechangers and Dr. Drew on Call.
Edited:
On Friday, March 17th, Poly was visited by Dr. Drew Pinsky and Dr. Lisa Strohman to be listened to about today’s adolescents being threatened by the dangers of substance and process addiction. While the topics were considered reasonable and appropriate for such an audience, the choice to welcome back Dr. Pinsky is considered puzzling by many.
“Dr. Drew,” as he is most broadly known, was board-certified in Chemical Dependency and a nationally syndicated radio talk show host who was chosen to produce and star in such series as Celebrity Rehab, Lifechangers and Dr. Drew on Call.
The passive voice is perplexing, as it denies the subject control of his actions, and therefore alters the meaning. Rather than using the active voice and having the subject act on the verb, as would make sense, the order switches illogically, and the verb acts on the subject. An example of this manifests in the first sentence when the re-written passage says, “Poly was visited by Dr. Drew Pinsky and Dr. Lisa Strohman,” (Ceva, It’s so Passive) as opposed to “Poly invited Dr. Drew Pinsky and Dr. Lisa Strohman…” (Wallis and Horn, A Controversial Assembly). In the first sentence, it is apparent that Poly willingly invited the doctors to speak at the meeting. However, the last version twists the meaning into the doctors coming to Poly without an invitation. “Poly invited” is an indication of the school giving consent to the doctor's visit, but “Poly was visited” alludes to the doctors not having a formal invitation. Furthermore, the meaning is tweaked in regards to the preparation of the event. The original sentence suggests that the assembly was planned in advance, seeing that Poly, the subject, is acting on the verb. However, the re-worked sentence implies that it was a last minute decision, as the doctors, Poly’s guests, are doing the action. In closing, the passive voice is often unclear, because sentences no longer pertain their original meaning due to the subject-verb relationship.
Statistics that reflected China's growing population due to the one child policy were shared by Fong throughout the evening. How this gradual shift towards an older population would create many obstacles for the nation, burdening the younger generation was mentioned by her. The emergence of the Littler Emperor phenomenon, which describes the situation for modern families in China where one child is doted upon by all of his or her parents and grandparents was mentioned by Fong as well. A range of issues that stemmed from the policy, including the population police, whom were prevalent in most rural areas of China and were in charge of regulating family populations, shidu parents and runaway brides were all touched upon by Fong.
ReplyDeleteThe passive voice causes repetition, which leads the reader into boredom. The paragraph tells what Fong mentioned during her speech and continues in the third sentence,"The emergence of the Littler Emperor phenomenon, which describes the situation for modern families in China where one child is doted upon by all of his or her parents and grandparents was mentioned by Fong as well." The repetition is evident because "as well" has been added to the end of the sentence. " As well" means there is more than one of the same thing an specifically in this situation there is more than two. People are known to enjoy repetition. For example, music, the same versus are repeated over and over again, but reading an analysis on a speech is not the same. There is no beat or catchy tune therefore the repetition just becomes boring and unnecessary. The passive voice has turned a perfectly strong paragraph into a very boring one.
Original
ReplyDelete"In the assembly featuring the finalists, freshman Oge Ogbogu shared her work for Camp Crescent Moon, a nonprofit for children diagnosed with sickle-cell anemia, while junior Isabel Ball presented her Girl Scout Gold Award project with the Children's Court, a safe haven for foster children. Junior Entrepreneurs Club members Jack Wetzel, Nick Wuthrich and Ty Evans shared their work with Rising Tide Capital, a nonprofit that supports struggling individuals and communities through entrepreneurship, and sophomore Aisling Murran introduced her work with the Honeybee Conservancy, a nonprofit that advocates for bees and their natural environment. Seniors Kelcey Logan, Andy Rickert, Matilda Berke, and sophomores Rachel Tokofsky and Katie Galloway also presented their work as Peer Advocates for Planned Parenthood, a nonprofit organization that provides reproductive health care globally."
Passive
The Finalists in the assembly featuring them, Oge Ogbogu work for Camp Crescent Moon was shared, a nonprofit for sickle-cell anemia diagnosed children, while the Girl Scout Gold Award project with the Children’s Court was presented by junior Isabel ball, a safe haven for foster children. Rising Tide Capital’s work was shared by junior Entrepreneurs Club members, Jack Wetzel, Nick Wuthrich, and Ty Evans, a nonprofit for entrepreneurship through supporting struggling individuals and communities, and the Honeybee Conservancy’s work was introduced by sophomore Aisling Murran, a nonprofit that advocates for bees and their natural environment. Planned Parenthood’s peer advocates, Seniors Kelcey Logan, Andy Rickert, Matilda Berke, and sophomore Rachel Tokofsky and Katie Galloway, presented their work, a nonprofit organization that provides reproductive health care globally.
Reflection
Changing every sentence into a passive voice is a difficult task, I found that it changed the meaning of most sentences. It made the subject of the sentence seem acted upon by the object, rather than the subject acting upon the object. For example this original sentence said “In the assembly featuring the finalists,...” This means that the finalists aren’t the main thing in the assembly, but merely an announcement. The passive voice version makes it seem as if the whole assembly is surrounded around the finalists. “The Finalists in the assembly featuring them…” This is such as drastic change because the object of the sentence because the subject, the finalists are acting upon the assembly not the assembly acting upon them.
Original Passage:
ReplyDelete"Because it was only a week-long trip, Poly filled each day with many different activities for the students. The day they arrived in Beijing, the students visited the Great Wall and Tiananmen Square. Throughout the rest of the week, other sites visited included the Ming Tombs, the Temple of Heaven and the 798 Art Zone."
Reworked Passage:
Because it was only a week-long trip, each day was filled with many different activities organized by Poly. The day Beijing was arrived in by the students, the Great Wall and Tiananmen Square were visited. Throughout the rest of the week, the Ming Tombs, the Temple of Heaven and the 798 Art Zone were also visited.
Changing everything in the passage to the passive voice created repetition and the subject was no longer controlling their action. In this article, the subject was often "the students," as it was talking about their activities in Beijing. In order to make everything into the passive voice, I had to say that all of the activities were done by the students or by Poly. For example, the original passage stated, "Because it was only a week-long trip, Poly filled each day with many different activities for the students." In the passive voice, it says, "Because it was only a week-long trip, each day was filled with many different activities organized by Poly." For each sentence, I had to end with the subject in order to make it passive, which created repetition. It is important to vary where the subject is in the sentence to avoid making the reader bored. Putting a "by" and the subject at the end almost creates the feeling that the main aspect of the sentence was just an afterthought. This rearrangement changes the important part of the passage.
Original Passage:
ReplyDelete“Class spirit filled the South Campus as grade levels competed against each other during the annual Rivalry Week. This year, the ASB introduced the first every rivalry “season,” with activities and dress-up days lasting throughout the month of March. Thanks to the planning and organizing by the ASB and Dean of Student Activities Laurianne Williams, the competition season was a success, with the seniors ultimately rising as the champions.”
Rewritten Passage:
“The South Campus was filled with class spirit as competitions were held between grade levels during Rivalry Week. The first ever rivalry “season” was introduced by the ASB, with activities and dress-up days lasting throughout the month of March. Thanks to the planning and organizing by the ASB and Dean of Student Activities Laurianne Williams, the competition season was a success, with the seniors ultimately rising as the champions.”
Rewriting this passage to be in the passive voice did not change a lot of the passage. The last half of the passage is the same in both the original and rewritten versions. “Thanks to the planning and organizing by the ASB and Dean of Student Activities Laurianne Williams, the competition season was a success, with the seniors ultimately rising as the champions.” This sentence was not changed into the passive voice because the only verb was a “be” verb and to turn something into the passive voice you need to have an “action” verb. However, the thing that changed was the immediacy of the passage. The rewritten version does not have the excitement like the original one. “The South Campus was filled with class spirit as competitions were held between grade levels during Rivalry Week.” This changed sentence does not sound as exciting as, “Class spirit filled the South Campus as grade levels competed against each other during the annual Rivalry Week.” does. Changing this sentence into the passive voice made it more dull and was not as intriguing as the original.
When it was my turn, I briefly discussed the topic of my paper with the class, but I thought my response was terse and underwhelming, which I also attributed to my lack of sleep. I submitted my research paper to Turnitin.com at 2:44am - an early submission time in comparison to previous papers of mine and those of my peers. When I woke up at 6:30 that morning, I was relieved that my paper was behind me, but I was Irritable exhausted, and I felt dizzy and numb.
ReplyDeleteRe written passage
The topic of my paper was what I briefly discussed with the class, my lack of sleep produced an underwhelming response. My research paper was submitted to turnitin.com at 2:44am- In comparison to previous papers of mine and my peers this was an early submission. I was relieved to have my paper that morning when I woke up. However, it had left me exhausted irritable, and I felt dizzy and numb.
Re writing the passage in the passive voice was by far the most challenging prompt yet. This proved to be a real test of my knowledge, the most challenging part was taking the object of each sentence and turning it into the subject without losing the meaning of the story. This proved to be a difficult task, because turning the sentences into the passive voice took out important details, and this left the passage feeling jumbled and unorganized. After completing each of these prompts I have come to the realization that writing requires a balance of the concepts that we have learned. A sentence can’t just contain all abstract nouns, it can’t use only simple sentences and it has to contain both passive and active voice.
Original Passage
ReplyDelete“Her hair-pulling condition baffled me, and I recall my perplexity after discovering the calendar and connecting it to the sight of her thin brunette locks - why couldn’t she just go one day without pulling out a single hair? In my eyes, it seemed simple, but at the time I didn’t realize the voraciousness of her condition that caused blank patches to slowly form near her pronounced hairline.
As the school year waned, her hair continued to thin. After just a year at our new school, she suddenly left, her head nearly bald, revealing defined blotches of scalp.
I have not heard anything from her since the year of her disappearance.”
Rewritten Passage
I was baffled by her hair-pulling condition, and my perplexity after discovering the calendar is recalled by me, as well as her thin brunette locks being connected to it- why couldn’t for one day pulling out her hair not happen? The voraciousness of her condition was not realized by me at the time.
Thinning throughout the school year was her hair. After just a year at our new school, the school was left suddenly by her, defined blotches of scalp revealed.
Since the year of her disappearance, she has not been heard about by me.
In an article published in the latest Paw Print, “I Want to Pull My Hair Out: Combatting my Trichotillomania”, the use of active voice is vital to the understanding of the intense piece on the hair-pulling disorder. The author describes her experience of watching her friend suffer through trichotillomania, writing about how her friend left their school at the end of the year with defined bald spots scattered around her head. As said in a revised version of her story that only uses the passive voice, “Thinning throughout the school year was her hair. After just a year at our new school, the school was left suddenly by her, defined blotches of scalp revealed.” Because the article’s main purpose is to focus on the girl and her hair, this style of writing is inappropriate to the piece. As seen in the first sentence, the subject of the sentence is no longer her hair rather the action that her hair was doing, which happened to be thinning throughout the school year. The next sentence shows emphasis on the girls’ new school, using school as the subject. By using the original object of the sentence as the subject, the reader is encouraged to focus on that object instead of the subject. In the case that the piece’s purpose was to not to highlight the girl’s story, rather spitting out the effects of the disorder, it might make sense to use the passive voice; however, that is not the case. The article is about a girl’s personal struggle with trichotillomania, and should, therefore, highlight herself.
Original passage: While we can choose so many of the things that effect our daily lives, from our socks to our leaders (which should both be changed when they stink), citizens of countries with authoritarian regimes such as Cuba and North Korea have no such freedom. However, just as we recognize the immense damage that authoritarianism has done t the populations of these countries, it is also important to recognize that there are people who prefer life under authoritarian regimes to life in the "Free World". In both Cuba and North Korea, there are citizens who, despite arduous hardships, are happy to call their People's Republic home.
ReplyDeleteRewritten: While so many of the things that affect our daily lives can be chosen by us, from our socks to our leaders, (which should both be changed when they stink), no such freedom is given to citizens of countries with authoritarian regimes such as Cuba and North Korea. However, while the immense damage that authoritarianism has done to the populations of these countries is recognized by us, it is also important to recognize that there are people who prefer life under authoritarian regimes to life in the "Free World". In both Cuba and North Korea, there are citizens who, despite arduous hardships, are happy to call their People's Republic home.
Using the passive voice changes the passage I rewrote to sound indirect, unclear and wordy. The last half of the passage was already in the passive voice due to unclear antecedents, but the first half became much more wordy and fragmented. In the original, "we" comes first and "things that effect our daily lives" comes second, which is appropriate because the author wants to emphasize "we choose", the action of choosing, and free choice. in the reworked sentence, the emphasis is lost because "we choose" comes last. The subject coming first is also appropriate because the direct object is elaborated on in the prepositional phrase afterwards, but in having the direct object come first, the flow is broken and the prepositional phrase does not make as much sense. In the second sentence, both emphases could have worked, unlike in the first sentence, but adding "by us" is wordy and unnecessary. The unclear antecedents in the last half make the passage impersonal, which could be the author's goal, but if the author wanted to make the passage more specific, he should have replaced "there" and "it" with specific nouns which would in this context also enable him to use the active voice.
Original Passage: Poly hosted its sixth biennial spring break trip to Beijing, immersing students in Chinese culture, language and daily life through activities such as visiting cultural heritage sites and staying with host families. Many students who traveled to Beijing are part of the Chinese language program at Poly and wanted to expand on their language education beyond the classroom. Sophomore Alberto Checcone said, “I take Chinese in as well as outside of school, and I wanted to be able to use the language that I’ve been learning as well as learn more about the culture.”
ReplyDeleteStudents, while on the sixth biennial spring break trip to Beijing, were hosted by Poly. In Chinese culture, language, and daily life, they were immersed. Part of the Chinese class at school, many of them were.” I take Chinese in as well as outside of school, and I wanted to be able to use the language that I’ve been learning as well as learn more about the culture.”, Sophomore Alberto Checcone said.
Converting a passage into only using the passive voice showed me why we are discouraged to use the passive voice in the first place. The meaning of the sentences gets obscured when the subject of the sentence isn’t what is doing the action. The most important part of a sentence is what is doing the action. When the first thing we see in a sentence isn’t what’s doing the action, then the mind doesn’t comprehend what the sentence means nearly as effectively. We are programmed to see the cause first, and then the effect, rather than the opposite. For example, in the original paragraph, the writer writes “Many students who traveled to Beijing are part of the Chinese language program at Poly…” When converted into the passive voice, this sentence says “Part of the Chinese class at school, many of them were” The result is much more obscure and hard to read.