This analytical paragraph should observe the same conventions and structures of the analytical paragraphs in your modified essays, including a topic sentence, direct textual evidence, contestable claims, and explanations linking evidence to ideas.
Sunday, May 14, 2017
It's So Simple
Select a 3-4 sentence passage from the most recent edition of the Paw Print. Rewrite the passage so that each sentence is a simple sentence. Then, write an analytical paragraph in which you explore how this change affects the style of the passage and the meanings that it conveys to its readers. How is it different from the original passage? How does it change the author's voice? How does it change the ideas she is conveying?
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ReplyDeleteChoosing to write in merely simple sentences reduces the humanity of the author’s voice and makes it harder for the author to express detail. In their Pawprint opinion article on the drug, alcohol and social media assembly hosted at Poly, Jack Wallis and Charles Horn argue the controversy of Dr. Drew Pinsky’s presentation by saying, “However, this status as both a media personality and licensed physician have embroiled his career in several controversies, and, in my opinion, seriously diminished the impact his message could have had on Poly students” (Wallis and Horn, A Controversial Presentation). When this sentence was rewritten as a simple sentence it read, “His controversial status as both a media personality and licensed physician seriously diminished the impact his message could have had on Poly students” (Ceva, It’s so Simple). In the latter sentence, several words such as “and,” “in my opinion,” and “however” are discarded. “In my opinion” is a key part of the sentence, because it links the author to their writing through the use of “my,” making it personal. When taken away, the sentence no longer has a connection to the author. Also, the loss of commas gives the writing a robotic feel, as commas often signify a pause or breath when read. Unlike robots, humans have lungs and emotions, allowing them to read commas with a sense of purpose aside from grammar. Another downside to using simple sentences is the lack of detail. When introducing Dr. Drew Pinsky, Wallis and Horn say, ““Dr. Drew,” as he is most broadly known, is board-certified in Chemical Dependency and a nationally syndicated radio talk show host who has produced and starred in such series as Celebrity Rehab, Lifechangers and Dr. Drew on Call.” The authors conveniently lists “Celebrity Rehab, Lifechangers and Dr. Drew on Call,” diving into detail about Dr. Drew’s appearance on radio talk shows. However, the titles were eliminated from the simple sentence version, excluding relevant information. The reader is therefore left to question which talk shows he starred in, doubting if he appeared on any at all. Often, it is best to incorporate varying sentence structures when writing, due to the monotonal feel and vagueness of using only simple sentences.
ReplyDeleteOriginal passage:
ReplyDelete"Intrigued by her complaints, I soon began to uncover and weed out the split ends in my own long, brunette hair in the back row of the choir loft. I began to pull them out feverishly without realizing the further damage that I was causing to my thick and already frizzy hair. I did not begin to pull out my hair until the fall of junior year, when my harmless split end-picking habit morphed into trichotillomania due to overwhelming stress and anxiety. The same condition that had haunted my fourth grade friend had stealthily crept into my own life, maturing into a serious condition that I myself could not control."
Rewritten passage:
"I soon began to weed out the split ends in my own hair. I started to pull them out feverishly. Junior year is when I began to develop trichotillomania. I had now lost the ability to control a serious condition."
Through varying sentence structures and diction, contributors to the Paw Print are able to create meaning in their articles. In the most recent addition of the Paw Print, an anonymous author wrote on the hardships she has faced with Trichotillomania. The article entitled, "I Want to Pull My Hair Out: Combating my Trichotillomania," was a thought provoking piece that demonstrated how a simple bad habit can turn into a very serious disorder when given the right environment to grow in. However, when the sentences in an excerpt of the article were changed, the style and meaning of the passage changed as well. After altering a sentence in the original passage to, “Junior year is when I began to develop trichotillomania,” the aspect of why the condition began to develop was left out. When the sentence was simplified, the context as to why this girl’s condition worsened was lost. It could be assumed that it was because of the struggles she faced during junior year, but it cannot be know for sure. In the actual article, the author states that the instigation of her disorder was due to “overwhelming stress and anxiety.” This part of the sentence offers a sentiment to empathize with and makes the style of the passage a much more personal one. By offering a struggle that many people can relate to such as “stress and anxiety,” she is almost being more open, honest, and vulnerable. When this section of the quote is taken out, her voice changes to become more factual and less human. This change in voice weakens the author’s plea that her condition had spurred out of control due to outside contributing factors. Because of this, the extent of her condition is no longer distinctly emphasized. Overall, when changes to the sentence structure were made in the article, its holistic message was lost and the human to human connection was no longer conveyed.
Original Passage:
ReplyDelete"In the assembly featuring the finalists, freshman Oge Ogbogu shared her work for Camp Crescent Moon, a nonprofit for children diagnosed with sickle-cell anemia, while junior Isabel Ball presented her Girl Scout Gold Award project with the Children's Court, a safe haven for foster children. Junior Entrepreneurs Club members Jack Wetzel, Nick Wuthrich and Ty Evans shared their work with Rising Tide Capital, a nonprofit that supports struggling individuals and communities through entrepreneurship, and sophomore Aisling Murran introduced her work with the Honeybee Conservancy, a nonprofit that advocates for bees and their natural environment. Seniors Kelcey Logan, Andy Rickert, Matilda Berke, and sophomores Rachel Tokofsky and Katie Galloway also presented their work as Peer Advocates for Planned Parenthood, a nonprofit organization that provides reproductive health care globally."
Rewritten passage:
"Oge Ogbogu shared her work for Camp Crescent Moon in the assembly which features the finalists. Junior Isabel Ball presented her Girl Scout Gold Award project with the Children's Court. Junior Entrepreneurs Club members Jack Wetzel, Nick Wuthrich and Ty Evans shared their work with Rising Tide Capital. Sophomore Aisling Murran introduced her work with the Honeybee Conservancy. Seniors Kelcey Logan, Andy Rickert, Matilda Berke, and sophomores Rachel Tokofsky and Katie Galloway also presented their work as Peer Advocates for Planned Parenthood."
Transforming these sentences into more simple versions has changed their meaning, both for the better, and the worse. Early in the passage, when Alexa, the author, speaks about Oge Ogbogu and Isabell Ball, she has them combined into one sentence: "In the assembly featuring the finalists, freshman Oge Ogbogu shared her work for Camp Crescent Moon, a nonprofit for children diagnosed with sickle-cell anemia, while junior Isabel Ball presented her Girl Scout Gold Award project with the Children's Court, a safe haven for foster children," (Schlearth, Paws for Humanity grants $500 to sophomore Aisling Murran and the Honeybee Conservancy). In the reworked version of this passage, the sentences are separated, one talking about Oge, the other about Isabel. This change can be seen as both good and bad. It is good because having so much information in a single sentence can be overwhelming, with the sentence talking about not only the two people, but also providing a detailed description of each of their organizations. The bad side of the change is that the simple version holds less information. It does not include the descriptions, so it lacks the depth of the original sentence. The sentence, when being read, also doesn't feel like it should be in multiple parts. It is more of a list of the finalists who are trying for the $500. Each of the three sentences in the original version describes 1-2 finalists, and splitting these up into 5 sentences makes it harder to read, with no sentence variation at all. This is an example of a passage that is much better read with variation and not only simple sentences.
Original Passage:
ReplyDelete“Class spirit filled the South Campus as grade levels competed against each other during the annual Rivalry Week. This year, the ASB introduced the first every rivalry “season,” with activities and dress-up days lasting throughout the month of March. Thanks to the planning and organizing by the ASB and Dean of Student Activities Laurianne Williams, the competition season was a success, with the seniors ultimately rising as the champions.”
Rewritten Passage:
“Class spirit filled the South Campus. Grade levels competed against each other during the annual Rivalry Week. This year, the ASB introduced the first every rivalry “season,” with activities and dress-up days lasting throughout the month of March. Thanks to the planning and organizing by the ASB and Dean of Student Activities Laurianne Williams, the competition season was a success, with the seniors ultimately rising as the champions.”
Changing these sentences to simple sentences did not change much about the passage. The first sentence of the original passage was split into two different simple sentences. “Class spirit filled the South Campus. Grade levels competed against each other during the annual Rivalry Week.” The transformation did not change the passage too much. The only thing that splitting the sentence apart did was make the beginning sound choppy and it did not flow as well as it could have. The rest of the passage did not change because the remaining sentences were all simple sentences. “This year, the ASB introduced the first every rivalry “season,” with activities and dress-up days lasting throughout the month of March.” This sentence did not change what so ever in the rewritten passage. Therefore, it did not have a big impact on the sound or meaning of the passage. The passage still has the same meaning in the redrafted version because barely any of the sentences changed.
Original
ReplyDelete"In the assembly featuring the finalists, freshman Oge Ogbogu shared her work for Camp Crescent Moon, a nonprofit for children diagnosed with sickle-cell anemia, while junior Isabel Ball presented her Girl Scout Gold Award project with the Children's Court, a safe haven for foster children. Junior Entrepreneurs Club members Jack Wetzel, Nick Wuthrich and Ty Evans shared their work with Rising Tide Capital, a nonprofit that supports struggling individuals and communities through entrepreneurship, and sophomore Aisling Murran introduced her work with the Honeybee Conservancy, a nonprofit that advocates for bees and their natural environment. Seniors Kelcey Logan, Andy Rickert, Matilda Berke, and sophomores Rachel Tokofsky and Katie Galloway also presented their work as Peer Advocates for Planned Parenthood, a nonprofit organization that provides reproductive health care globally."
Simple
Freshman Oge Ogbogu shared her work for Crescent moon. Crescent moon is a nonprofit for children diagnosed with sickle-cell anemia. While junior Isabel Ball presented her Girls Scout gold award project with the Children’s court. Children’s Court is a safe haven for foster children. Junior Entrepreneurs Club members Jack Wetzel, Nick Wuthrich and Ty Evans shared their work with Rising Tide Capital, and sophomore Aisling Murran introduced her work with the Honeybee Conservancy. Rising Tide Capital is a nonprofit that supports struggling individuals and communities through entrepreneurship. Seniors Kelcey Logan, Andy Rickert, Matilda Berke, and sophomores Rachel Tokofsky and Katie Galloway presented their work as Peer Advocates for Planned Parenthood. Planned Parenthood is a nonprofit organization that provides reproductive health care globally.
Reflection
While changing the Paw Print into simple sentences, I found that it made the text less cluttered and made the passage more manageable. For example this paragraph used a lot of appositives, a way to set off nonessential words, which made it hard to read without being distracted from the original message. The writer does this when they say “In the assembly featuring the finalists, freshman Oge Ogbogu shared her work for Camp Crescent Moon, a nonprofit for children diagnosed with sickle-cell anemia, while junior Isabel Ball presented her Girl Scout Gold Award project with the Children's Court, a safe haven for foster children.” This sentence uses 2 appositives, it could be expanded to about three sentences. They could have used a separate sentence for each description, which is what my simple version accomplished.
Original Passage:
ReplyDeleteWhen it was my turn, I briefly discussed the topic of my paper with the class, but I thought my response was terse and underwhelming, which I also attributed to my lack of sleep. I submitted my research paper to Turnitin.com at 2:44am - an early submission time in comparison to previous papers of mine and those of my peers. When I woke up at 6:30 that morning, I was relieved that my paper was behind me, but I was Irritable exhausted, and I felt dizzy and numb.
Revised Passage:
I gave a brief overview of may paper with the class. I turned my research paper in early to Turnitin.com at 2:44 am. At the end I was exhausted but I was glad that the process was over.
The paw print uses differing sentence structures to make their articles convey more information in a way that is pleasing to the reader. The most drastic change I noticed when changing the passage to simple sentences was how much information was being left out by the constraints of simple sentences. Complex, compound, and compound complex sentences can give the writer the opportunity to make the story flow better, and contain more easier to read information. I found the main drawback of using simple sentences was the number of sentences it takes to convey what I wanted to get across. In the case of the Paw print article, when I converted it to simple sentences it lost most of it's meaning, and it felt choppy and jittery. This is a prime example of how changing up your sentence structure can add more depth to your paper, and it can make it smoother and easier to read.
Original Passage
ReplyDelete“Her hair-pulling condition baffled me, and I recall my perplexity after discovering the calendar and connecting it to the sight of her thin brunette locks - why couldn’t she just go one day without pulling out a single hair? In my eyes, it seemed simple, but at the time I didn’t realize the voraciousness of her condition that caused blank patches to slowly form near her pronounced hairline.
As the school year waned, her hair continued to thin. After just a year at our new school, she suddenly left, her head nearly bald, revealing defined blotches of scalp.
I have not heard anything from her since the year of her disappearance.”
Rewritten Passage
Her hair-pulling condition baffled me. I recall my perplexity and connecting it to the sight of her thin brunette locks. Why couldn’t she go one day without pulling out a single hair? I didn’t realize the voraciousness of her condition that caused blank patches to slowly form near her pronounced hairline.
The school year waned. Her hair continued to thin. She suddenly left. Her head was nearly bald with defined botches of scalp.
I have not heard anything from her since the year of her disappearance.
In the anonymously written Paw Print article, “I Want to Pull My Hair Out: Combatting my Trichotillomania”, sentence structure plays a large part in the impact of the piece, as seen when each sentence is changed to simple sentences. The author talks about the sudden disappearance of her friend who suffered from trichotillomania, an intense and mysterious childhood memory. As said in the altered piece, “The school year waned. Her hair continued to thin. She suddenly left. Her head was nearly bald with defined botches of scalp.” Using this sentence structure, the sentences sound somewhat choppy, giving some kind of finality to them. Once “She suddenly left” is said, there is no context of the situation, nor is there any resolution, making the event seem over and done with. There is no impactful reason, in this sentence, why this story is relevant to the topic. While such sentences may be appropriate for another piece, this piece is ongoing. There is no finality to it, as the narrator describes prior to this quote how there was a slow buildup of events that lead to this and this story continues to impact her in her own struggle against trichotillomania. Overall, through this exercise, it is obvious how the sentence structure can play a role in the way an idea is presented.
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ReplyDeleteOriginal:
ReplyDelete“Dr. Pinsky has a long history with Poly. According to school psychologist and human development coordinator Dr. John Bakaly, Pinsky has frequently visited the school in the past, and led many similar assemblies about alcohol and drugs over the course of his time as a poly alumnus and, for a time, parent. Bakaly said that this was due, in part, to his vast experience with addiction and rehab, but more specifically his past success connecting with students and getting adolescents to take his message to heart.”
Redraft:
Dr. Pinsky has a long history with Poly. Pinsky has frequently visited the school in the past. He has led many similar assemblies about alcohol and drugs over the course of his time as poly alumnus and Dad. Dr. Bakaly is the school psychologist and human development coordinator. Dr. Bakaly said Dr. Pinky’s appointment for the leader of the assembly was due to his vast experience with addiction and rehab. Dr. Bakaly said this was because of past success connecting with students and getting adolescents to take his message to heart.
By changing all the sentences in the Paw Print article, “Drug, Alcohol, and Social Media Assembly: a Controversial Presentation” to only simple sentences the article lost some of its detail. In the original Paw Print article by Jack and Charles they write, “According to school psychologist and human development coordinator Dr. John Bakaly, Pinsky has frequently visited the school in the past.” The introductory dependent clause “according to school psychologist and human development coordinator Dr. John Bakaly” sets up the following independent clause by describing and providing a reliable source. When I changed the sentence to a simple sentence that introductory clause was lost. This left the statement “Pinsky has frequently visited the school in the past” with no source and no context. By leaving out the dependent clause of the sentence, the meaning of the sentence is changed from a distinguished statement made by a reliable source to a claim made by two members of the Paw Print. By only using simple sentences, the article lost some of it’s meaning. Specifically, the article lost some of the details that can only be provided in dependent clauses.
Original Passage:
ReplyDelete"Because it was only a week-long trip, Poly filled each day with many different activities for the students. The day they arrived in Beijing, the students visited the Great Wall and Tiananmen Square. Throughout the rest of the week, other sites visited included the Ming Tombs, the Temple of Heaven and the 798 Art Zone"
Rewritten Passage:
Poly filled each day with many different activities for the students. The students visited the Great wall and Tiananmen Square. Other sites visited included the Ming Tombs, the Temple of Heaven and the 798 Art Zone.
By converting complex and compound sentences into simple sentences, a more boring and less meaningful message is conveyed. This article, called "Upper School students visit Beijing on break," gave information about the activities on the Poly High School Beijing trip. Jennifer Lu wrote, "The day they arrived in Beijing, the students visited the Great Wall and Tiananmen Square. Throughout the rest of the week, other sites visited included the Ming Tombs, the Temple of Heaven and the 798 Art Zone." This passage contained phrases such as, "The day they arrived in Beijing..." and "Throughout the rest of the week..." These beginnings to the sentences provided a time frame, which is important for the reader to understand. Also, removing these clauses eliminates the variation in the sentences. In order to not create a sleepy or repetitive mood, varying sentence structure is Important. If it is changed to, "The students visited the Great wall and Tiananmen Square. Other sites visited included the Ming Tombs, the Temple of Heaven and the 798 Art Zone," it loses its meaning and time frame due to the lack of variation. This repetition causes the reader to lose interest because there is nothing to draw them back in. By varying complex, compound and simple sentences, this is easily avoidable.
Throughout the evening, Fong shared many striking statistics that reflected China's growing population due to the one child policy. She mentioned how this gradual shift towards an older population would create many obstacle for the nation. Fong mentioned the emergence of Littler Emperor phenomenon.
ReplyDeleteBeverly Shen's article about Journalist Mei Fong was very engaging and detailed, but after changing a paragraph into simple sentences it removed these aspects of the article. In the original version of the paragraph Beverly mentions the emergence of the Emperor phenomenon and what effect it has on the China, but it sounded like this once put into simple," sentences, Fong mentioned the emergence of Littler Emperor phenomenon." Turning it into a simple sentence simply stripped the sentence of it's knowledge that it is sharing with the reader.It talks about the Emperor Phenomenon, but doesn't tell the reader what it is, therefore making useless. Simple sentences can totally change the meaning of a sentence or even an entire essay.
Original Passage: Poly hosted its sixth biennial spring break trip to Beijing, immersing students in Chinese culture, language and daily life through activities such as visiting cultural heritage sites and staying with host families. Many students who traveled to Beijing are part of the Chinese language program at Poly and wanted to expand on their language education beyond the classroom. Sophomore Alberto Checcone said, “I take Chinese in as well as outside of school, and I wanted to be able to use the language that I’ve been learning as well as learn more about the culture.”
ReplyDeleteReworked Passage. Poly hosted its sixth biennial spring break trip to Beijing. Poly immersed students in Chinese culture. Poly immersed students in language. Poly immersed students in daily life. Poly completed this by visiting cultural sites. Poly also completed this by having the students stay with host families. Many students who went to Beijing take Chinese in school. They wanted to expand their knowledge of the language beyond the classroom. Alberto Checcone summarizes this well. “I take Chinese in as well as outside of school. I wanted to be able to use the the language that I’ve been learning. I wanted to learn more about the culture”. Alberto is a sophomore.
Rewording a passage to only utilize simple sentence means that longer strings of thought get separated, which makes the overarching goal of the sentences less clear. Although all of the information in the passage is the same, the rewording into simple sentences means that this information isn’t linked together in the same way, if at all. For example, at the beginning of the passage, the author writes, “Poly hosted its sixth biennial spring break trip to Beijing, immersing students in Chinese culture, language, and daily life through activities such as visiting cultural sites and staying with host families.” If split into only simple sentences, this sentence reads “Poly hosted its sixth biennial spring break trip to Beijing. Poly immersed students in Chinese culture. Poly immersed students in language. Poly immersed students in daily life. Poly completed this by visiting cultural sites. Poly also completed this by having the students stay with host families.” Although all of the same words are there, the linkages between them are missing. There are many questions that the reader could ask about this reworked passage. What language was Poly immersing it’s students in? What daily life was Poly immersing the students in? In the original version, these statements are linked with the single most important word; China. Poly was immersing it’s students in Chinese language. Poly was immersing it’s students in Chinese daily life. Because the word China was separated from the other statements, all of the simple sentences in the first part of the passage became unclear.
Original passage: While we can choose so many of the things that effect our daily lives, from our socks to our leaders (which should both be changed when they stink), citizens of countries with authoritarian regimes such as Cuba and North Korea have no such freedom. However, just as we recognize the immense damage that authoritarianism has done t the populations of these countries, it is also important to recognize that there are people who prefer life under authoritarian regimes to life in the "Free World". In both Cuba and North Korea, there are citizens who, despite arduous hardships, are happy to call their People's Republic home.
ReplyDeleteReworked passage: We can choose so many of the things that effect our daily lives, from our socks to our leaders (which should both be changed when they stink). However, citizens of countries with authoritarian regimes such as Cuba and North Korea have no such freedom. Authoritarian regimes such as Cuba and North Korea have no such freedom. When recognizing authoritarianism's immense damage to populations of these countries, it is also important to recognize that there are people who prefer life under authoritarian regimes to life in the "Free World". In both Cuba and North Korea, there are citizens who, despite arduous hardships, are happy to call their People's Republic home.
In making complex or compound sentences simple, I found that the relationships between ideas/clauses either got lost or became less clear. The original first sentence clearly shows the relationship and contrast between our lives and the lives of citizens under authoritarian regimes, but in reworking the sentence into two sentences, the idea became less effectively expressed because the idea was broken up. Despite using "however", the idea was strung out over two sentences which made it harder to understand the relationship between the two separate sentences to create the idea. For my second sentence, having to use an appositive once again made the relationship between the two clauses unclear because not having a subject for the verb lessened the contrast between the two similarly built clauses with very different meanings. Other changes included less fluid transitions, in addition to less specific relationships between ideas, the main difference I observed.