As always, this analytical paragraph should observe the same conventions and structures of the analytical paragraphs in your modified essays, including a topic sentence, direct textual evidence, contestable claims, and explanations linking evidence to ideas.
Wednesday, May 17, 2017
It's So Abstract
Rewrite your Paw Print passage so that all of the nouns are abstract nouns. Then, write an analytical paragraph in which you explore how this change affects the style of the passage and the meanings that it conveys to its readers. How is it different from the original passage? How does it change the author's voice? How does it change the ideas she is conveying?
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Original Passage:
ReplyDelete"In the assembly featuring the finalists, freshman Oge Ogbogu shared her work for Camp Crescent Moon, a nonprofit for children diagnosed with sickle-cell anemia, while junior Isabel Ball presented her Girl Scout Gold Award project with the Children's Court, a safe haven for foster children. Junior Entrepreneurs Club members Jack Wetzel, Nick Wuthrich and Ty Evans shared their work with Rising Tide Capital, a nonprofit that supports struggling individuals and communities through entrepreneurship, and sophomore Aisling Murran introduced her work with the Honeybee Conservancy, a nonprofit that advocates for bees and their natural environment. Seniors Kelcey Logan, Andy Rickert, Matilda Berke, and sophomores Rachel Tokofsky and Katie Galloway also presented their work as Peer Advocates for Planned Parenthood, a nonprofit organization that provides reproductive health care globally."
Rewritten Passage:
“In the assembly featuring the concept of winners, freshman essence of Oge Ogbogy’s existence shared her work for the idea of Camp Crescent Moon, a non profit for the concept of those that are young and diagnosed with sickle-cell anemia, while junior essence of Isabel Ball presented her idea of Girl Scout Gold Award project with that which could be considered to be the Children’s Court, a concept of a safe haven for those that could be thought of as foster children. Junior Entrepreneurs Club members essence of Jack Wetzel, Nick Wuthrich and Ty Evans shared their work with the concept of Rising Tide Capital, nonprofit that supports that which could be considered to be the idea of struggling individuals and communities through entrepreneurship, and sophomore essence of Aisling Murran introduced her work with the idea of the Honeybee Conservancy, a nonprofit that advocates for the concept of bees and their natural environment. Seniors essence of Kelcey Logan, Andy Rickert, Matilda Berke, and sophomores essence of Rachel Tokofsky and Katie Galloway also presented their work as the concept of Peer Advocates for the idea of Planned Parenthood, a nonprofit organization that provides reproductive health care globally.”
The changes that have been made to convert this passage to the version that uses only abstract nouns have destroyed the meaning of the passage. When going through even just the early portion of the new passage, it is hard to read, and, having read it, is found to be almost meaningless: "In the assembly featuring the concept of winners, freshman essence of Oge Ogbogy’s existence shared her work for the idea of Camp Crescent Moon, a non profit for the concept of those that are young and diagnosed with sickle-cell anemia, while junior essence of Isabel Ball presented her idea of Girl Scout Gold Award project with that which could be considered to be the Children’s Court, a concept of a safe haven for those that could be thought of as foster children," (Mayo, It's so Abstract). The passage is difficult to get through, and just doesn't sound right anymore. Reading through it, a desire to completely rewrite this awful version of the passage courses through me. Later in the passage, it somehow manages to get even worse: "Seniors essence of Kelcey Logan, Andy Rickert, Matilda Berke, and sophomores essence of Rachel Tokofsky and Katie Galloway also presented their work as the concept of Peer Advocates for the idea of Planned Parenthood, a nonprofit organization that provides reproductive health care globally," (It's so Abstract). With this extreme overuse of the phrases 'essence of...' and 'concept of...' the passage becomes more and more ridiculous. This style of writing simply is not feasible for any sort of real writing, unless one means for said writing to be a complete joke. I conclude that the concept of using only the essence of abstract nouns should be completely removed from what could be considered to be the idea of what we call our brains.
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ReplyDeleteOriginal: On Friday, March 17th, Poly invited Dr. Drew Pinsky and Dr. Lisa Strohman to speak to Upper School students about the dangers of substance and process addiction that threaten today’s adolescents. While the topics are reasonable and appropriate to present to such an audience, the choice to welcome back Dr. Pinsky is puzzling. “Dr. Drew,” as he is most broadly known, is board-certified in Chemical Dependency and a nationally syndicated radio talk show host who has produced and starred in such series as Celebrity Rehab, Lifechangers and Dr. Drew on Call.
ReplyDeleteRewritten: On Friday, March 27th, an environment of learning invited the knowledgeable existent and his equal to speak to curiosity about the dangers of creation and process addiction that threaten today’s existants. While the spoken is reasonable and appropriate to present to such a setting, the choice to welcome back the knowledgeable existent is puzzling. “Existent,” as he is most broadly known, is board-certified in Chemical Dependency and nationally syndicated in producing and starring in such art as Popularity Rehab, Existence Changers and The Existent on Demand.
The use of abstract nouns when writing results in the author sounding vague and consequently causes their ideas to be unclear. Take, for example, the first line of the passage in which an introduction is made. Wallis and Horn say, "On Friday, March 17th, Poly invited Dr. Drew Pinsky and Dr. Lisa Strohman to speak to Upper School students about the dangers of substance and process addiction that threaten today’s adolescents" (Wallis and Horn, A Controversial Presentation). By incorporating concrete nouns, the authors can answer the questions who, what, when, where, and why with extreme detail. However, when replacing those terms with abstract nouns, the content becomes ill-defined. Rather than saying, “Poly invited Dr. Drew Pinsky and Dr. Lisa Strohman,” the rewritten passage reads, “an ambient of learning invited the knowledgeable existent and his equal.” The sentence is stripped of particularity, seeing that “an atmosphere of learning” is relatable to most schools worldwide and “the knowledgeable existence” can refer to various people. This makes it difficult to identify who / what the author is talking about. Therefore, due to their vagueness, the ideas represented in abstract writing elude most readers.
Throughout the beauty, knowledge shared many striking brilliances that reflected pain's growing friendship would create many miseries due to the one child justice. Knowledge mentioned how this gradual progress towards an older friendship would create many pains for the friendships, burdening the younger friendships. Knowledge mentioned the emergence of the trouble, which describes the thought for many modern friendships in pain where one friendship is doted upon by all of his or her friendships and integrities. Knowledge went on to adress the culture of the pain, which was devised by rocket education who based the pain on a theoretical dream proposed by Danish education.
ReplyDeleteI replaced concrete nouns with abstract nouns that properly represented the previous noun. By doing this I turned the paragraph into complete gibberish. It went from a paragraph about a speaker spreading her knowledge about policies in China to a bunch of innuendos. Abstract nouns can only convey your thoughts to a certain extend. Concrete nouns are necessary to make legible and clear writing.
Original Passage: Poly hosted its sixth biennial spring break trip to Beijing, immersing students in Chinese culture, language and daily life through activities such as visiting cultural heritage sites and staying with host families. Many students who traveled to Beijing are part of the Chinese language program at Poly and wanted to expand on their language education beyond the classroom. Sophomore Alberto Checcone said, “I take Chinese in as well as outside of school, and I wanted to be able to use the language that I’ve been learning as well as learn more about the culture.”
ReplyDeleteReworked Passage. The hub of learning known as Poly hosted its sixth biennial spring time off displacement to the major grouping of sentient beings known as Beijing, immersing entities focused on learning in the ways of life of what could be referred to by the word “Chinese”. Many of these sentient lifeforms take the concept of information drilling, known as a “class”, at the hub of learning called Poly, and wanted to expand their knowledge on the subject. One of these sentient lifeforms, named Alberto Checcone said “I take Chinese in as well as outside of the hub of learning known as Poly, and I wanted to be able to use the grouping of and meanings associated with the passage of information that I’ve been learning as well as learn more about the culture.
When attempting to convert the original passage into only using abstract nouns, I both destroyed the meaning of the passage, and made it almost impossible to read. I’m also not entirely sure that I what I switched with the concrete nouns were actually abstract nouns. One example of the wordiness associated with hijacking a well-written article and turning it into incomprehensible mush is at the end of the passage, when I tried to explain the concept of language without using concrete nouns. I wasn’t sure if the word language is a concrete noun or not, but I tried anyway. I replaced the simple word language with this block of text: “a grouping of characters and meanings associated with the passage of knowledge” Although this sentence technically describes what language is, the reader will surely get lost in it’s meaning because the reader now needs to focus on what that group of words means, instead of how that meaning plays into the sentence. If I had just used the word language, the reader would already know what was meant without having to divert extra attention to the definition of the word language.
Original Passage
ReplyDelete“Her hair-pulling condition baffled me, and I recall my perplexity after discovering the calendar and connecting it to the sight of her thin brunette locks - why couldn’t she just go one day without pulling out a single hair? In my eyes, it seemed simple, but at the time I didn’t realize the voraciousness of her condition that caused blank patches to slowly form near her pronounced hairline.
As the school year waned, her hair continued to thin. After just a year at our new school, she suddenly left, her head nearly bald, revealing defined blotches of scalp.
I have not heard anything from her since the year of her disappearance.”
Rewritten Passage
Her hair-pulling condition baffled my soul, and my consciousness recalled my perplexity after discovering the days connected to her condition. Why wasn’t her being capable of going one day without being affected by her situation? Her disorder seemed simple, but at the time my consciousness did not extend to the voraciousness of her circumstance.
As the school year waned, her balding condition worsened. After just a year at our new curriculum, her presence suddenly dissipated.
My consciousness does not extend to her presence after her disappearance.
In the Paw Print article, “I Want to Pull My Hair Out: Combatting my Trichotillomania”, the use of both concrete and abstract nouns is critical to the telling of this impactful experience. The anonymous author describes her ignorance of her friend’s condition. She writes about the slow process of her friend pulling out her hair. An edited version of her work that uses abstract nouns alone says, “As the school year waned, her balding condition worsened. After just a year at our new curriculum, her presence suddenly dissipated.” In the first sentence, “As the school year waned, her balding condition worsened”, there is no specific details about “her balding condition”. Using abstract nouns alone, it is impossible for the actual symptoms of trichotillomania to be addressed. The author is only able to talk about the idea of the condition, not the specific details involved. Because of this, it is hard for a reader, who hasn’t heard of trichotillomania, to understand the severity of the disorder.
When it was my turn, I briefly discussed the topic of my paper with the class, but I thought my response was terse and underwhelming, which I also attributed to my lack of sleep. I submitted my research paper to Turnitin.com at 2:44am - an early submission time in comparison to previous papers of mine and those of my peers. When I woke up at 6:30 that morning, I was relieved that my paper was behind me, but I was Irritable exhausted, and I felt dizzy and numb.
ReplyDeleteRewritten Passage
When it was the embodiment of my soul's turn, my soul briefly discussed the topic of my soul's research summary with the idea cloud, however, my soul thought that it's response was terse and underwhelming, which my soul attributed to the lack of nighttime mind travels. My soul submitted my research summary to the cloud at 2:44 am, an early submission time in comparison to previous research summary's of mine and those of the other beings in my idea cloud. When my soul arose from the mind travels at 6:30 that morning. My soul was relieved that my research summary was behind me, but my soul was irritably exhausted, and my soul felt dizzy and numb.
I noticed the same problem persist between this assignment and the last one, the removal of concrete nouns removed meaning from the passage as well as making it much more difficult to read. The inclusion of both abstract and concrete nouns is crucial in the writing of stories. Without concrete nouns my Rewritten paper turned out very whimsical and it didn't flow correctly. After completing this assignment I came away with the knowledge that concrete nouns and abstract nouns are crucial to the flow and overall content of a story. I also learned that changing every noun in a passage to an abstract noun is a much more difficult task than it may sound.
Original:
ReplyDelete“Dr. Pinsky has a long history with Poly. According to school psychologist and human development coordinator Dr. John Bakaly, Pinsky has frequently visited the school in the past, and led many similar assemblies about alcohol and drugs over the course of his time as a poly alumnus and, for a time, parent. Bakaly said that this was due, in part, to his vast experience with addiction and rehab, but more specifically his past success connecting with students and getting adolescents to take his message to heart.”
Redraft:
The pseudo-intellectual, Dr. Pinsky, has a long history with education. According to the intellectual, Dr. John Bakaly, the pseudo-intellectual has frequently visited the perpetuation of knowledge in the past, and has led many similar lectures about addiction over the course of his souls time as a Poly alumnus and, for a time, parent. The intellectual said this was due, in part, to the pseudo-intellectual's vast experience with addiction and rehab, but more specifically the souls past success connecting with the souls who attend the perpetuation of knowledge and getting the souls to take the message to mind.
Changing all concrete nouns to abstract nouns skewed the meaning of the passage by allowing me to insert my own opinion and bias into the article. In the original article, the first sentence is, “Dr. Pinsky has a long history with Poly” (Wallis and Horn, A Controversial Presentation). I then changed the opening sentence to, “The pseudo-intellectual, Dr. Pinsky, has a long history with education”(Hudnut, It’s so Abstract). By changing the noun “Dr. Pinsky” I distorted the view of the writers to what I think of Dr. Pinsky. By calling Dr. Pinsky a pseudo-intellectual I delegitimize everything he has to say. I then juxtapose Dr. Pinsky’s pseudo-intellectualness by rewriting, “According to the intellectual” (Wallis and Horn). By replacing the concrete noun “Dr. John Bakaly” with the word intellectual I demonstrate to the reader what I believe to be intellectualness. By changing concrete nouns into abstract nouns, I was able to insert my own opinion into the article changing the meaning and tone of it.
Original Passage:
ReplyDelete"Because it was only a week-long trip, Poly filled each day with many different activities for the students. The day they arrived in Beijing, the students visited the Great Wall and Tiananmen Square. Throughout the rest of the week, other sites visited included the Ming Tombs, the Temple of Heaven and the 798 Art Zone."
Rewritten Passage:
Because it was only a week-long trip, the whole time was filled with many different activities for those involved. Upon arriving, in this new location, works of beauty were visited. Throughout the rest of the week, other architectural works were visited.
By converting concrete nouns into abstract nouns in an article, confusion is created for the reader. This was a very difficult task because the original passage mentioned various landmarks and other concrete nouns. Also, it was hard to change the subject, students, into something abstract. The original passage included, "The day they arrived in Beijing, the students visited the Great Wall and Tiananmen Square. Throughout the rest of the week, other sites visited included the Ming Tombs, the Temple of Heaven and the 798 Art Zone." In order to avoid using these places in Beijing, I changed it to, "Upon arriving, in this new location, works of beauty were visited. Throughout the rest of the week, other architectural works were visited." By making these edits, it makes it hard to communicate who the subject is, and what is going on in the passage. Since places people and things are concrete, all of these would need to be deleted to follow this assignment. I was forced to change the names of these places to "works of beauty" which doesn't say what the place really is. Getting rid of the concrete nouns in these sentences creates confusion for the reader because they don't know who is doing the action, and what places they are going to. It seems like the writer is trying to be unique with their choice of nouns, but in reality, it is just creating a lack of clarity for the reader.
Original passage: While we can choose so many of the things that effect our daily lives, from our socks to our leaders (which should both be changed when they stink), citizens of countries with authoritarian regimes such as Cuba and North Korea have no such freedom. However, just as we recognize the immense damage that authoritarianism has done t the populations of these countries, it is also important to recognize that there are people who prefer life under authoritarian regimes to life in the "Free World". In both Cuba and North Korea, there are citizens who, despite arduous hardships, are happy to call their People's Republic home.
ReplyDeleteRewritten passage: While we can choose so many of the things that affect our daily lives, from that which we clothe our feet in to our leaders (which should both be changed when they stink), citizens of tyrannies with authoritarian regimes have no such freedom. However, just as we recognize the immense damage that authoritarianism has done to the physical aspects and mindsets of these tyrannies, it is also important to recognize that there are opinions preferring life under authoritarian regimes to life in the "Free World." In these oligarchies, there are citizens who, despite arduous hardships, are happy to call their People's Republic home.
My original paragraph used few concrete nouns so I did not experience much difficulty in reworking this excerpt, but in the instances where I did have to replace nouns, subtlety, specificity and support/evidence were lost. I think abstract nouns are essential for presenting an idea, but without concrete nouns serving as concrete examples to support an idea, the argument is much weaker. Because I could not use "Cuba and North Korea", the ideas in the paragraph were unsupported because there were no specific examples to back up the abstract ideas. In the first sentence, the loss of "sock" resulted in the loss of the joke/reference, so what should have been a humorous introduction became an awkward topic sentence. Lastly, too many abstract nouns create vague ideas. Replacing "people" with "there are opinions" was ambiguous and unclear because the reader does not know who is doing the action, and also forced me to use the passive voice, which in this context was unnecessary.
Original
ReplyDelete"In the assembly featuring the finalists, freshman Oge Ogbogu shared her work for Camp Crescent Moon, a nonprofit for children diagnosed with sickle-cell anemia, while junior Isabel Ball presented her Girl Scout Gold Award project with the Children's Court, a safe haven for foster children. Junior Entrepreneurs Club members Jack Wetzel, Nick Wuthrich and Ty Evans shared their work with Rising Tide Capital, a nonprofit that supports struggling individuals and communities through entrepreneurship, and sophomore Aisling Murran introduced her work with the Honeybee Conservancy, a nonprofit that advocates for bees and their natural environment. Seniors Kelcey Logan, Andy Rickert, Matilda Berke, and sophomores Rachel Tokofsky and Katie Galloway also presented their work as Peer Advocates for Planned Parenthood, a nonprofit organization that provides reproductive health care globally."
Abstract
In the assemblence of sentient beings, the freshman consciousness known as Oge Ogbogu invited a viewing of her work for Camp Crescent Moon, a nonprofit for lower age sentient beings diagnosed with what could be conceived a sickle cell anemia, while a junior consciousness known as Isabel Ball presented her what could be seen as an entity of female gender scout gold award project with the lower age individuals court, a safe haven for foster sentient beings. Junior Entrepreneurs Club members Jack Wetzel, Nick Wuthrich and Ty Evans shared their work with the entity known as Rising tide Capital, a nonprofit the supports struggling individuals and communities through entrepreneurship, and a sentient being known as Aisling Murran showed her work with the Honeybee Conservancy, a nonprofit that advocated for bees and their natural thought of an environment. Seniors Kelcey Logan, Andy Rickert, Matilda Berke, and sophomores Rachel Tokofsky and Katie Galloway also thought about presenting their thought of a work as Peer Advocates for Planned Parenthood, a nonprofit conceptualization of an organization that provides reproductive health care globally.”
Reflection
It was extremely hard to convey the same meaning as portrayed in the original text. I realized how much concrete nouns are used throughout everyday usage. I also found out that it is very hard to convert concrete nouns into abstract nouns.
Original passage:
ReplyDelete"Intrigued by her complaints, I soon began to uncover and weed out the split ends in my own long, brunette hair in the back row of the choir loft. I began to pull them out feverishly without realizing the further damage that I was causing to my thick and already frizzy hair. I did not begin to pull out my hair until the fall of junior year, when my harmless split end-picking habit morphed into trichotillomania due to overwhelming stress and anxiety. The same condition that had haunted my fourth grade friend had stealthily crept into my own life, maturing into a serious condition that I myself could not control."
Rewritten passage:
Intrigued by her complaints, my essence began to take up her practice as my own. My embodiment began to pull them out feverishly without realizing the further damage that my being was causing. My soul did not begin to adapt a condition until my spirit became overwhelmed with stress and anxiety as it grew older. The same condition that had haunted her had stealthily crept into my own life, maturing into a serious condition that my presence could not control.
When concrete nouns were replaced with abstract nouns in an excerpt of the PawPrint article, “I Want to Pull My Hair Out: Combatting my Trichotillomania,” the meaning of the passage became skewed and unclear. In the original piece, the author wrote with a distinct clarity and expressed a heartfelt sentiment about developing a serious condition. However, when her words were changed to include only abstract nouns, her message was no longer clearly conveyed. After adjusting a sentence from the original passage to, “My soul did not begin to adapt a condition until my spirit became overwhelmed with stress and anxiety as it grew older,” the author’s ideas about junior year causing her stress and anxiety were no longer expressed. Instead, the topic of the actual article shifted to speak about the hardships the author’s “soul” and “spirit” were facing. In this example, the author’s voice is changed from originally speaking on the effects of high school stress to talking about the misfortunes of her “soul” and “spirit.” Here, the use of abstract nouns makes it hard to tell if the author is actually fighting through a real mental and physical disorder. Additionally, this causes the gravity of her real situation to be underemphasized. By discussing things that are not tangible, it is harder to feel empathy towards the author’s struggle. Overall, when the concrete nouns in the passage were changed to become abstract, the author’s original message was no longer effectively portrayed and it was harder to empathetically connect to the words she had to offer.
Original Passage:
ReplyDelete“Class spirit filled the South Campus as grade levels competed against each other during the annual Rivalry Week. This year, the ASB introduced the first every rivalry “season,” with activities and dress-up days lasting throughout the month of March. Thanks to the planning and organizing by the ASB and Dean of Student Activities Laurianne Williams, the competition season was a success, with the seniors ultimately rising as the champions.”
Rewritten Passage:
“Class spirit filled the south learning environment as grade levels competed against each other during the annual Rivalry Week. This year, ASB introduced the first ever rivalry “season”, with activities and dress-up days lasting throughout the month of March. Thanks to the planning and organizing by the ASB and a supreme being, the competition season was a success, with the non-supreme beings ultimately rising as the champions.”
Changing the nouns to abstract nouns was a challenge. The assignment was definitely harder than the previous assignment because I barely changed anything last time. This time, however, it was a lot harder to think of words that had the same meaning but wasn’t a concrete noun. The meaning of the passage, for the most part, stayed the same. I noticed that when replacing concrete nouns with abstract nouns, the sentence sounded more “hippie” in a way. When I say “hippie” I mean the words sound flowy and wavy. “Class spirit filled the south learning environment…”. This independent clause sounds flowy and a little bit silly. No one would actually describe the US campus as the “south learning environment”. During this assignment, I had the freedom to change the nouns to whatever abstract noun, that was similar to the original, I wanted. This was apparent when describing Ms. Williams. “Thanks to the planning and organizing by the ASB and a supreme being…”. I described Ms. Williams as a “supreme being” because I could not call her the “Dean of Student Activities”. I also took a jab at the seniors by renaming them, “non-supreme beings”. (No hate towards seniors)
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