As always, this analytical paragraph should observe the same conventions and structures of the analytical paragraphs in your modified essays, including a topic sentence, direct textual evidence, contestable claims, and explanations linking evidence to ideas.
Friday, May 19, 2017
It's So Excessive: Due Tuesday 5/23
Rewrite your original Paw Print passage so that each sentence is overrun with excessive modifiers. Then, write an analytical paragraph in which you explore how this change affects the style of the passage and the meanings that it conveys to its readers. How is it different from the original passage? How does it change the author's voice? How does it change the ideas she is conveying?
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Original Passage
ReplyDelete“Her hair-pulling condition baffled me, and I recall my perplexity after discovering the calendar and connecting it to the sight of her thin brunette locks - why couldn’t she just go one day without pulling out a single hair? In my eyes, it seemed simple, but at the time I didn’t realize the voraciousness of her condition that caused blank patches to slowly form near her pronounced hairline.
As the school year waned, her hair continued to thin. After just a year at our new school, she suddenly left, her head nearly bald, revealing defined blotches of scalp.
I have not heard anything from her since the year of her disappearance.”
Rewritten Passage
Her keratinous filament- pulling state of health confused me greatly, and I bring back from my memory my extreme puzzlement subsequent to discovering the a table listing the days of the year and connecting it to the sight of her thin dark brown locks of hair- why couldn’t she go 24 hours without pulling out a single hair? In my organ of sight, it seemed extremely uncomplicated, although at that point in time, I did not realize the extremity of her confining circumstances that resulted in blank areas of her head to gradually form near her hairline.
As the educational school year continued, her hair continues to grow thinner. After only a year at our new educational environment, she suddenly dropped out of the academic curriculum, her head nearly free of any hair follicles, reaving blotches of her bare head.
I have not gained any information from her about her whereabouts and condition since her since the 365 days, or 8760 hours, of her sudden disappearance from the school grounds.
Throughout the Paw Print article, “I Want to Pull My Hair Out: Combatting my Trichotillomania”, the use of, of lack of, modifiers is essential to the emotions evoked by the piece. In stating that she hasn’t seen her friend since the prior stated incident, the anonymous author describes that the her friend’s disappearance wasn’t short and sudden in one straightforward sentence. A revised version of her story that only uses an extreme amount of modifiers states, however, “I have not gained any information from her about her whereabouts and condition since her since the 365 days, or 8760 hours, of her sudden disappearance from the school grounds.” In describing specifically how long it has been since the writer has seen her friend, the reader’s attention wanders to the pure, irrelevant facts involved with the events rather than actual emotions that the piece is meant to evoke, that being a friend’s sudden disappearance. Unnecessary details become a distraction from the real message of the piece. In the case that this piece’s purpose was to inform an individual about trichotillomania, this would be appropriate. This piece, however, is meant to highlight the emotions involved with the condition; therefore, this wordy way of writing distracts from the true intentions of the passage.
Original Passage:
ReplyDelete"In the assembly featuring the finalists, freshman Oge Ogbogu shared her work for Camp Crescent Moon, a nonprofit for children diagnosed with sickle-cell anemia, while junior Isabel Ball presented her Girl Scout Gold Award project with the Children's Court, a safe haven for foster children. Junior Entrepreneurs Club members Jack Wetzel, Nick Wuthrich and Ty Evans shared their work with Rising Tide Capital, a nonprofit that supports struggling individuals and communities through entrepreneurship, and sophomore Aisling Murran introduced her work with the Honeybee Conservancy, a nonprofit that advocates for bees and their natural environment. Seniors Kelcey Logan, Andy Rickert, Matilda Berke, and sophomores Rachel Tokofsky and Katie Galloway also presented their work as Peer Advocates for Planned Parenthood, a nonprofit organization that provides reproductive health care globally."
Rewritten Passage:
“In the massive assembly featuring the incredible finalists, young freshman Oge Ogbogu verbosely shared her great work for Camp Crescent Moon, a humble nonprofit for children diagnosed with sickle-cell anemia, while upper class junior Isabel Ball presented her outstanding Girl Scout Award project with the Children’s Court, an extremely safe haven for youthful foster children. The Junior Entrepreneurs members Jack Wetzel, Nick Wuthrich and Ty Evans shared their satisfactory work with Rising Tide Capital, a helpful nonprofit that supports struggling individuals and needy communities through their entrepreneurship, and Latin-supporter sophomore Aisling Murran introduced her bee-utiful work with the Honeybee Conservancy, a nonprofit that advocates for the bees and their natural and rightful environment. The Seniors Kelcey Logan, Andy Rickert, Matilda Berke, and those sophomores Rachel Tokofsky and Katie Galloway also presented their own work as Peer Advocates for the organization Planned Parenthood, a nonprofit organization that readily provides reproductive health care globally."
This new version of the passage has an overflow of modifiers, which can be both good and bad for description and readability. Throughout the passage, there are many modifiers that can provide a better description: “In the massive assembly featuring the incredible finalists, young freshman Oge Ogbogu verbosely shared her great work for Camp Crescent Moon, a humble nonprofit for children diagnosed with sickle-cell anemia, while upper class junior Isabel Ball presented her outstanding Girl Scout Award project with the Children’s Court, an extremely safe haven for youthful foster children,” (Mayo, It’s So Excessive). These modifiers help to give a reader a clear idea of what is going on. That being said, modifiers can sometimes be too excessive, which does naught but make the passage hard to read: “The Junior Entrepreneurs members Jack Wetzel, Nick Wuthrich and Ty Evans shared their satisfactory work with Rising Tide Capital, a helpful nonprofit that supports struggling individuals and needy communities through their entrepreneurship, and Latin-supporter sophomore Aisling Murran introduced her bee-utiful work with the Honeybee Conservancy, a nonprofit that advocates for the bees and their natural and rightful environment. The Seniors Kelcey Logan, Andy Rickert, Matilda Berke, and those sophomores Rachel Tokofsky and Katie Galloway also presented their own work as Peer Advocates for the organization Planned Parenthood, a nonprofit organization that readily provides reproductive health care globally," (It’s So Simple). The number of modifiers here gets to the point where it is just excessive, with the modifiers not actually adding any meaning, instead just taking up additional space with no real merit. These example show how an overuse of modifiers, while it can add more description, often only crowds the passage, making it harder to find the parts that are the most important.
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ReplyDeleteOriginal:
ReplyDeleteOn Friday, March 17th, Poly invited Dr. Drew Pinsky and Dr. Lisa Strohman to speak to Upper School students about the dangers of substance and process addiction that threaten today’s adolescents.
While the topics are reasonable and appropriate to present to such an audience, the choice to welcome back Dr. Pinsky is puzzling.
“Dr. Drew,” as he is most broadly known, is board-certified in Chemical Dependency and a nationally syndicated radio talk show host who has produced and starred in such series as Celebrity Rehab, Lifechangers and Dr. Drew on Call.
Rewritten:
On the pleasingly warm Friday of March 17th, Poly excitingly invited the accomplished Dr. Drew Pinsky and his knowledgeable co-worker, Dr. Lisa Strohman, to speak informatively to the curious Upper School students about the numerous dangers of substance and process addiction that devastatingly threaten today’s beautiful adolescents.
While the interesting topics are reasonable and appropriate to present to such a pertinent audience, the unforeseen choice to welcome back the intriguing Dr. Pinsky is puzzling.
“Dr. Drew,” as he is most broadly known, is board-certified in Chemical Dependency and a popular nationally syndicated radio talk show host who has executively produced and starred in such popular series as Celebrity Rehab, Lifechangers, and Dr. Drew on Call.
The use of excessive modifiers attaches additional and inaccurate descriptions to words that are better left ambiguous. Words that imply variety can not be illustrated using a couple adverbs or adjectives, and because diversity 's hard to grasp, it should be left open to interpretation. In the revision of A Controversial Assembly, written by Jack Wallis and Charles Horn, a line reads as follows, “...to the curious Upper School students about the frequent dangers of substance and process addiction that devastatingly threaten today’s beautiful adolescents” (Ceva, It’s So Excessive). Using “curious” to describe the Upper School student body is an inaccurate representation, as not all students are necessarily curious. Furthermore, the use of excessive modifiers implies opinion, not fact. For example, “beautiful adolescents,” is inaccurate. The word adolescent refers to various people, and “beautiful” is the opinion of the author. Because nouns such as “students” and “adolescents” encompass diversity, assigning excessive modifiers to describe them is not only unnecessary but inaccurate, as not everyone fits into one category.
Original Passage:
ReplyDelete"Because it was only a week-long trip, Poly filled each day with many different activities for the students. The day they arrived in Beijing, the students visited the Great Wall and Tiananmen Square. Throughout the rest of the week, other sites visited included the Ming Tombs, the Temple of Heaven and the 798 Art Zone."
Reworked Passage:
Because it was only a one week-long exciting, thrilling trip, Poly filled each bright and sunny day with many different adventurous activities for the intelligent students. The day the arrived in grand Beijing, the students happily visited the Great Wall and the glorious Tiananmen Square. Throughout the rest of the jam-packed week of exploring, other sites visited included the large Ming Tombs, the Architecturally advanced Temple of Heaven and the beautiful 798 Art Zone.
Adding an excessive amount of modifiers to this passage created unnecessarily long sentences, with meaningless details. This paragraph focused on the activities of the group of students that went to Beijing. It was very direct and to the point, originally not having very many modifiers. Although some more modifiers may have been nice, overusing them caused a completely different mood. In the original passage, it says, "Because it was only a week-long trip, Poly filled each day with many different activities for the students." With an excessive amount of modifiers, it read, "Because it was only a one week-long exciting, thrilling trip, Poly filled each bright and sunny day with many different adventurous activities for the intelligent students." Not only is this sentence very long, it also is unnecessary. It creates the feeling that the writer is doing a sales pitch due to the extravagant adjectives and adverbs. In the way that I changed the passage, it sounded over-enthusiastic from using words like "thrilling," "bright and sunny," and "adventurous." These details are not useful to display the message that is trying to be conveyed. In a fairy tale, this excessive use of modifiers could be a positive, however in a passage like this, they are not needed.
Original:
ReplyDelete“Dr. Pinsky has a long history with Poly. According to school psychologist and human development coordinator Dr. John Bakaly, Pinsky has frequently visited the school in the past, and led many similar assemblies about alcohol and drugs over the course of his time as a poly alumnus and, for a time, parent. Bakaly said that this was due, in part, to his vast experience with addiction and rehab, but more specifically his past success connecting with students and getting adolescents to take his message to heart.”
Rewritten:
(The views in this redraft/analytical paragraph do not reflect the views of the writer)
“The glorious, astute Dr. Pinsky has a long, illustrious history with the distinguished, exclusive, fine educational establishment known as Polytechnic. According to the canny, loving, sincere school psychologist and human development coordinator Dr. John Bakaly, Pinsky has frequently visited the distinguished, exclusive, fine educational institution known as Polytechnic in the past, and led many similar grand, venerable assemblies about the addictive, edgy, family breaking substances known as drugs and alcohol over the course of his time as an alumnus and, for a time parent of the distinguished, exclusive, fine educational establishment known as Polytechnic. The canny, loving, sincere school psychologist and human development coordinator Dr. John Bakaly eloquently said this was due, in part, to his vast, ample, big, boundless, broad, infinite experience with dark, ‘incurable’ (nothing is incurable for Pinsky), injurious addiction and holy, angelic, accepting, steadfast rehab, but more specifically his past success connecting with the closed, unappreciative, naive, self-centered students and getting the closed, unappreciative, naive, self-centered, adolescents to take his open, appreciative, sophisticated, unselfish message to the most vital organ of the body, the heart.”
The excessive use of modifiers in the redraft provides a juxtaposition between the students and Pinsky. In the revised version of the passage I write about Dr. Pinsky’s ability to get, “The closed, unappreciative, naive, self-centered adolescents to take his open, appreciative, sophisticated, unselfish message.” Every modifier describing the students is juxtaposed by its antonym when describing Pinsky’s message: closed is replaced by open, unappreciative is replaced by appreciative, naive is replaced by sophisticated, and self-centered is replaced by unselfish. The juxtaposition of Pinsky’s message and the adolescents shows how hard it is for Pinsky to get the students to take his message to heart, and by saying that Pinsky is successful at getting adolescents to take his message to heart it shows how exceptional of a presenter Pinsky is.
Throughout the long and beautiful evening, beautiful and knowledgeable, Fong shared many striking statistics that reflected China's growing and already large population due to the one child policy. She mentioned how this gradual yet scary shift towards an older, closed minded, boring, population would create enormous obstacles for the nation, burdening the younger, smarter, more open minded generation. Fong mentioned the gradual emergence if the little emperor phenomenon, which describes the sad situation for many modern families in China where one poor child is dotted upon by all of his or her beautiful parents and grandparents.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful and engaging Fong went on to adress the terrible origins of the one child policy, which was devised by evil rocket scientists who based the horrid plan on a a theoretical model proposed by boring Danish mathematicians.
The excessive modifiers didn't change the core story of the article, but it did change how it could be interpreted. Modifiers have a large effect on how people view things. It can take something from sounding perfectly practical to sounding like an abomination. The writer talks about an "older population" in a total neutral way, but when modifiers were added before the noun it totally changed the view on this population. "older, closed minded, boring, population ". The modifiers make the population look scary and unwanted. "Boring" describes their dullness and no one wants boring people dominating their population."Closed minded" furthers the unwantedness by shoeing that the population is not will to change or incorporate the younger population. Modifiers may not change the object or being itself, but it can for sure change the way someone feels about it.
ReplyDeleteWhen it was my turn, I briefly discussed the topic of my paper with the class, but I thought my response was terse and underwhelming, which I also attributed to my lack of sleep. I submitted my research paper to Turnitin.com at 2:44am - an early submission time in comparison to previous papers of mine and those of my peers. When I woke up at 6:30 that morning, I was relieved that my paper was behind me, but I was Irritable exhausted, and I felt dizzy and numb.
When it was my turn, In a small space of time I discussed every exciting, heart wrenching and sad part of my marvelous paper with our wonderful class, however, I thought my response was terse and underwhelming, which I also attributed to the abysmal amount of sleep I had been receiving. I submitted my magnificent paper to turnitin.com at 2:44 am- an an astonishingly early submission time in comparison to my previous masterpieces and those of my peers. When I woke up the next day to the sun shinning through my window, I was relieved that my paper was behind me, but I was irritable exhausted, and I felt dizzy and numb.
The usage of excessive modifiers attaches necessary descriptions of words, leaving them inaccurate and embellished. The addition of excessive modifiers leaves this otherwise very tight knit passage that carried a clear message, jumbled and less focused. The addition of modifiers detracted attention from the message of the passage by adding frivolous and unnecessary words, that caused the passage to lose its overall meaning and direction. For example the in passage “ In a small space of time I discussed every exciting, heart wrenching and sad part of my marvelous paper with our wonderful class” Before the addition of modifiers, this passage explained how she delivered the topic of her paper to the class. The addition of modifiers completely changes the meaning of the story. Now the passage reads that she explained every detail of her story with the class. Modifiers can add variety to a story, however when used excessively they can hurt the story more than they add to it.
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ReplyDeleteOriginal passage: While we can choose so many of the things that effect our daily lives, from our socks to our leaders (which should both be changed when they stink), citizens of countries with authoritarian regimes such as Cuba and North Korea have no such freedom. However, just as we recognize the immense damage that authoritarianism has done t the populations of these countries, it is also important to recognize that there are people who prefer life under authoritarian regimes to life in the "Free World". In both Cuba and North Korea, there are citizens who, despite arduous hardships, are happy to call their People's Republic home.
ReplyDeleteRewritten passage: While we, citizens of a democracy, can freely choose so many of the things that inevitably effect our daily lives, from our socks to our leaders (which should both be changed when they stink), citizens of countries with authoritarian regimes such as Cuba and North Korea, have no such freedom to choose. However, just as we recognize the immense damage that authoritarianism, killing many of the citizens, has done to the populations of these countries, it is also important to fully recognize that there are people, In both Cuba and North Korea, who prefer life under authoritarian regimes, despite arduous hardships, to life in the "Free World", happy to call their People's Republic home.
Modifiers in moderation help sentences be as specific and accurate as words will allow, but excessive modifiers can be self-defeating by overloading a sentence until it is difficult to understand. In the first sentence, the appositive "citizens of a democracy" clearly defines "we", and is more specific. Using the adverb "inevitably" leaves less wiggle room in what "effects our daily lives", so the first sentence has become more specific and unique to the ideas the author wishes to express. However, the second sentence, which is filled with adverb and adjective clauses, participle phrases, prepositional phrases and more, is difficult to follow. The excessive modifiers constantly clarifying and elaborating create a string of information that is difficult for the reader to follow and take in at once. Because the four modifying phrases follow the subject, verb and object of both clauses in the second sentence, the natural subject-verb flow of the sentence is broken up, creating a choppy and fragmented sentence. Modifiers have the potential to specify ideas and bring a sentence to life, but overuse can render sentences indirect, choppy, and difficult to follow.
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ReplyDeleteOriginal passage:
ReplyDelete"Intrigued by her complaints, I soon began to uncover and weed out the split ends in my own long, brunette hair in the back row of the choir loft. I began to pull them out feverishly without realizing the further damage that I was causing to my thick and already frizzy hair. I did not begin to pull out my hair until the fall of junior year, when my harmless split end-picking habit morphed into trichotillomania due to overwhelming stress and anxiety. The same condition that had haunted my fourth grade friend had stealthily crept into my own life, maturing into a serious condition that I myself could not control."
Rewritten passage:
Highly aroused with curiosity and interest at her statements of dissatisfaction, I, in a very short period of time, started to undergo the activity of ferociously uncovering and aggressively weeding out broken pieces of hair, known as split ends, from my own, extremely long, brunette hair in the very back row of the choir loft. I began to undergo the process of pulling out the split ends from my head feverishly without realizing the amount to which I was causing my thick and already frizzy hair to become damaged. I did not start to exert force on my luscious tresses until the fall of junior year, when my harmless, insignificant split end-picking habit underwent the gradual process of transforming into trichotillomania due to overwhelming, disabling stress and anxiety. The same awful condition that had haunted my fourth grade friend had, with stealth like a ninja, crept into my own life, maturing into a seriously significant disorder that I myself could no longer control.
Due to the use of excessive modifiers in the altered version of the PawPrint piece, “I Want to Pull My Hair Out: Combatting my Trichotillomania,” the excerpt became unnecessarily wordy and overdramatic, clouding the author’s original words. In the first passage, the anonymous author used well chosen, descriptive vocabulary that conveyed her message well while still remaining concise. However, in the rewritten version of the article, the overuse of modifiers detracted from the meaning behind the words the author selected. In the initial account, when describing the conditions in which the author began to pull her hair out, she narrated, “I did not begin to pull out my hair until the fall of junior year, when my harmless split end-picking habit morphed into trichotillomania due to overwhelming stress and anxiety.” This sentiment was expressed clearly and to the point while still offering a message to sympathize with. However, the same sentence in the rewritten article reads, “I did not start to exert force on my luscious tresses until the fall of junior year, when my harmless, insignificant split end-picking habit underwent the gradual process of transforming into trichotillomania due to overwhelming, disabling stress and anxiety.” This version of the article becomes overdramatic through the use of words such as, “luscious tresses” and “disabling.” These excessive modifiers not only force the reader to get through many words to understand the meaning of the article, but they also cause the passage to become highly dramatic and somewhat unrealistic. This hyperbole prompts the reader to lose interest and ,overall, is unnecessary in the article.
Original
ReplyDelete"In the assembly featuring the finalists, freshman Oge Ogbogu shared her work for Camp Crescent Moon, a nonprofit for children diagnosed with sickle-cell anemia, while junior Isabel Ball presented her Girl Scout Gold Award project with the Children's Court, a safe haven for foster children. Junior Entrepreneurs Club members Jack Wetzel, Nick Wuthrich and Ty Evans shared their work with Rising Tide Capital, a nonprofit that supports struggling individuals and communities through entrepreneurship, and sophomore Aisling Murran introduced her work with the Honeybee Conservancy, a nonprofit that advocates for bees and their natural environment. Seniors Kelcey Logan, Andy Rickert, Matilda Berke, and sophomores Rachel Tokofsky and Katie Galloway also presented their work as Peer Advocates for Planned Parenthood, a nonprofit organization that provides reproductive health care globally."
Reworked
"In the extravagant assembly featuring the honorable finalists, tremendous freshman Oge Ogbogu shared her work for conscientious Camp Crescent Moon, a nonprofit for terrible hurt sick children diagnosed with sickle-cell anemia, while amazing junior Isabel Ball beautifully presented her Girl Scout Gold Award project with the helpful heartwarming Children's Court, a safe haven for underprivileged foster children. Marvelous Junior Entrepreneurs Club members Jack Wetzel, Nick Wuthrich and Ty Evans wholeheartedly shared their work with Rising Tide Capital, a nonprofit that supports terribly struggling individuals and tight knit communities through entrepreneurship, and up and coming sophomore Aisling Murran introduced her work with the Honeybee Conservancy, a helpful nonprofit that advocates for essential bees and their rich natural environment. Seniors Kelcey Logan, Andy Rickert, Matilda Berke, and sophomores Rachel Tokofsky and Katie Galloway also professionally presented their work as Peer Advocates for Planned Parenthood, a helpful nonprofit organization that provides reproductive health care globally."
Reflection
Using excessive modifiers in the reworked essay was hard to accurately portray what the author was trying to say. It greatly changes the meaning of the essay, and assigns subjective thoughts onto facts. Modifiers are a useful tool when expressing your opinion, but in this factual essay it seemed foreign. For example in this original sentence it says “ Aisling Murran introduced her work with the Honeybee Conservancy, a nonprofit that advocates for bees and their natural environment.” This is a fairly objective claim and would be hard to argue against the any thing said in this sentence. Although in the reworked essay, the writer’s opinion on the topic shows. “Aisling Murran introduced her work with the Honeybee Conservancy, a helpful nonprofit that advocates for essential bees and their rich natural environment.” It states that bee’s have a “rich” natural environment. This statement makes the sentence less subjective.
Original Passage: Poly hosted its sixth biennial spring break trip to Beijing, immersing students in Chinese culture, language and daily life through activities such as visiting cultural heritage sites and staying with host families. Many students who traveled to Beijing are part of the Chinese language program at Poly and wanted to expand on their language education beyond the classroom. Sophomore Alberto Checcone said, “I take Chinese in as well as outside of school, and I wanted to be able to use the language that I’ve been learning as well as learn more about the culture.”
ReplyDeleteExcessive modifiers: The world-renown school called Poly hosted its sixth biennial spring break trip to the beautiful city of Beijing, immersing inquisitive and insightful students in the wonderful Chinese culture, language, and exciting daily life through activities such as visiting interesting cultural heritage sites and staying with host families. Many students who traveled to Beijing take the difficult but rewarding Chinese language program at Poly and wanted to expand their already immense understanding of the language outside the classroom. Inquisitive and intelligent sophomore, Alberto Checcone, said, “I take Chinese in as well as outside of school, and I wanted to be able to use the language that I’ve been learning as well as learn more about the culture.”
If the writer wants to go into more detail about something, then modifiers are the easiest and most straightforward way to do so. However, if the writer is just trying to make their writing sound better or more official, modifiers can give the impression that the writer knows what they’re doing, when in reality, the real meaning of the sentence gets clouded. For example, the sentence “Many students who traveled to Beijing are part of the Chinese language program at Poly and wanted to expand on their language education beyond the classroom” seems rather straightforward. However, when just a few more words are added, the sentence gets much less clear. “Many students who traveled to Beijing take the difficult but rewarding Chinese language program at Polt and wanted to expand their already immense understanding of the language outside of the classroom” The sentence is attempting to say the same thing as the first, but the words “difficult but rewarding” and “immense” are injected during times in the sentence when the reader is supposed to focus on the subject’s interaction with the direct object, not more information about the subject. In conclusion, modifiers can be a helpful tool if the point of the sentence is to go into detail about a certain subject. However, if the point of the sentence is to provide overview or a sequence of events, modifiers can often obstruct the meaning of the sentence.